Despite all my immature, below the belt tactics Steve...I truly do wish you well. I hope that you truly have found lasting happiness now with your new love. Believe it or not.

Ooooooooooh...never, never, ever read old love letters. Don't do it. The pain is too much. The wound is re-opened, and the old feelings come rushing forth in a stream of glowing happiness, tender yearning, and finally... agonized reality. How does something so innocently beautiful twist into something so thick with ugliness. Me, that's how.

Ooooooooooh...never, never, ever read old love letters. Don't do it. The pain is too much. The wound is re-opened, and the old feelings come rushing forth in a stream of glowing happiness, tender yearning, and finally... agonized reality. How does something so innocently beautiful twist into something so thick with ugliness. Me, that's how.

I don't know if I can remember any of the embarrassing things I have said in my lifetime. I tend to block those memories. I know the most embarrassing dumb blonde moment in my life was this;
I was sitting with some guys in a hot tub and I picked a floating pubic hair up off the top of the water...I know, supremely gross...anyway, I placed it on the shoulder of the guy next to me and I said, it's probably yours and he turned to me and said...can't be, I shave it all off...No, no, no...kidding...kay, what really happened is the other guy said, does it curl clockwise or counter-clockwise? to which I replied..why? and he said...because pubic hairs curl clockwise and chest hairs curl counter-clockwise...to which I replied...oh really?


Took me a few moments....ugh

Does anyone remember Steve?? If so you might be interested in A Little Light Reading...

Okay, I can't wait till tomorrow. I am going to test out one or two or so photos...here goes the first. This one was taken in Summerside PEI, just a goofy one, touristy pic op...

This is a picture of the sunset we didn't quite make it too in time...It's still very beatiful, although most of the light was gone and you can't see the gorgeous, sandy beach. This was taken in West Point, PEI.

This was a beautiful beach in Cavendish PEI, but we forgot to take a picture of the actual beach, we just have some of the dunes in the background, duh...Wonderful walking trail over the inlet and dunes.

The next one is kind of boring unless you are into Anne of Green Gables, this was the house Anne Shirley grew up in...

. The gardens were really beautiful, and the haunted wood walk but all that is on video...

Okay, we need some more silly pics...all of Gord of course...hehehe...

These are incredible pictures of two of the beaches in PEI...I love PEI...

Gord the Scottish Bagpiper...

...and Gord milking a very co-operative cow at Anne Shirley's farm...

Psssssssst...hey, Gord, you're missing the bucket!!!!!!!

The last two of PEI are of Brackley beach and one of the bed and breakfast rooms we stayed in...

I will post pics of Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia tomorrow..These next ones were taken on the Cabot Trail on Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia. The views up along the highway were so spectacular, and there were little hikes into the woods to secluded waterfalls and lakes. We could have spent a week there exploring, so peaceful. The water is frigid though, there was no way I was getting into that ice cold water, but the beaches were white sand and beautiful.

Very bad hair day...I am so very vain.

This waterfall was right on the beach

This next one, Gord is actually sitting at the top of the second falls of a two tiered waterfall, the water in front of him was at least sixty feet deep, eerie...and the drop behind him was about the same height but gradual.

Well that's pretty much it for pics, we took much more video really. It was an incredible vacation, the weather was hot and sunny all the time and we did a little hiking, biking and a lot of eating. Lobster, chowder, crepes in Quebec...we did it all!!

I wish I could get back to the way I used to be. I wish I believed in all things good again. I wish I was innocent and trusting again. Ignorance is bliss. I don't recognize myself anymore. I am happy, don't get me wrong. I have more compassion, more patience and understanding of people than I did a year ago, but I am wiser in ways I would wish not to be and I confused about issues I thought were clear to me. Everything in my life is turned upside down, inside out and I see the world through different eyes, jaded eyes. I want to believe in fairy tales again, in magic, in destiny, in karma and guardian angels.

Don't you just love that compIete garbage I wrote below?? LOL! I deserved to hate myself for awhile but I am a natural bouncer. I bounce back...with the help of people who love me, to my normal, want to be happy, spirited self. And I have to say..I really do love myself, more than anyone else ever could or will..I LOVE MYSELF...I understand myself in ways that no one else could. I think that despite all my blunders and pain inflicting mistakes...that I am blissfully happy to be me. I wouldn't trade all my life learning experiences for anyone elses and I look forward to the future and whatever crazy, wonderful, and even painful thing it may bring with it. I AM READY!!!!!!!!! I will take on the world with a smile on some days and tears on others, but I want to experience it all to the fullest. I can't wait for the next tomorrow and the next and the next....just think what could be around the corner waiting for me to discover!! Look out world...HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pidge was right...I am a cranky, old, old, ugly man...who was masquerading as light-hearted butterfly...and Mark was right...I do belong in the dark...where no one can see the horrible truth that is me...and Tracey was right...I am Evil...And so I will hide myself away in the dark regions of my mind and keep myself there, where I can't ever hurt anyone again and where I am safe.

This blog is gone, I am gone...I am dead...I am truly gone and there will be no returning from the hell on earth I have put myself into.

..."Living alone is a life without mirrors, a life without a diary to read to see where you have been. And if at times it seems as if nothing has really happened, when it hasn't been recorded by another set of eyes, it is also true that when you stop relying on others to tell you what they see, you see yourself and clearer still...."

I just found a really interesting book entitled " SOME MEN ARE MORE PERFECT THAN OTHERS A Book about Men, and hence about Women, and Love and Dreams"....

gooooooooo...........

There is nothing like a family reunion to make you feel good about yourself...is there? Or is that ...there is nothing like a family reunion to make you realize how incredibly ugly you must have been for most of your adult life, up until this point? I arrived at the meeting place, got out and walked around among the people I had known all my life, most I only see on a yearly basis now. They smiled politely, I smiled back..asked how they were etc. It wasn't until half way through the afternoon as people started coming up to me and asking tenatively "It's Michelle, right?", that I realized my own family members hadn't even recognized me. Didn't even know who I was!!!! Then I noticed people at other tables, staring and whispering to the other person with shocked expressions on their faces and gesturing in my direction, before they made their way over to me. Then the "compliments" started flowing ..."Wow, you have really slimmed down...I didn't even know it was you! You are half the woman you used to be (haha...not funny, and not true!)...you are wasting away, you look great! (which is it?). Then there were the helpful comments like.." You know, the hardest part is keeping it off, you have to change your eating habits forever you know" and the very best comment of all..."have fun while it lasts!" . These comments all from a family of genetically overweight people...giving me advice. I don't say this to be cruel but I believe I was the thinnest person present. I swear I am not exaggerating any of this, I would literally be talking to someone for 20 mins and they would say.." so , how are we related again? " ...I would be like..." Heather..it's me Michelle, your cousin, the one you went camping in Sauble beach with every year...the one with the three kids playing over there" !! I left with a very good present self-image and a very negative past self-image. I mean, I knew I looked thinner but I didn't realize I looked like a completely different person...and somehow that makes me feel sad, sad for the ugly old Michelle who had to live with that other face and other body. She is gone forever, but I love her and sometimes I miss her (strange as it sounds)...she had a much simpler life than I do, lower expectations of joy, fewer goals and dreams...she was more able to be content with her lot in life because she felt far less deserving.

Anyway, after the reunion, I looked at some much older pictures of me, from before I knew what being an adult was, or how much of a struggle I was going to have...when everyone told me I was cute..and I believed them...cause I was... *big grin*. If I could cut off all the long hair in these pictures it would be like looking at my four year old son. We are identical at this age, completely identical.

Here is an absolutely gorgeous picture of my mom when I was four and she was my age exactly! You have no idea how difficult it was growing up in her shadow...but I am so incredibly proud of her...

Oh..and here is one of me at 1 year old...chubby and sweet...

Okay...I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo missing Pidge's blog. I mean, she is still writing me but it is just NOT the same...NOT! *very sad face* ....but I will go on without her somehow, I will continue to blog my brains out, in the vain hope that she will someday return to the land of blog....

I found the most hilarious story that my daughter wrote last year for school..I have to share...

THE STICK

"One day I was walking home from church. When sudinley I saw a stick. I got really scared. Then I walked closer and it bit my leg!!! I was bleeding. help! help! Then the church ladie came. The stick was still chewing on my leg. She said I would be all right. But I was dead. Then god came and he gave me a big kiss. I was aliv. The stick got so scared it ran away. The End."

HAHAHA....is that not bizarre! What does that mean exactly? What kind of subconcious thoughts is my child having? We don't even go to church, although my mom does her duty once in a blue "guilt-ridden" moon and drags them to Sunday school... I just love this little story!

I am so proud of myself...I actually cleaned today. I washed all the windows, even the ones unfortunate enough to be located behind my computer desk..haha...I even sucked up all the dead lady bugs and cleared away all the dust bunnies, didn't know those suckers could grow so very large. I sorted through the mounds of odd paper piles, letters, bills that I haven't bothered to answer, pay, etc...Got all my laundry done..ALL of it..now that is an accomplishment..yep! I was going to weed wack the entire acre of yard we live on but I think I have run out of time before I have to get supper cooked. Gonna start up the BBQ and have some yummy grilled chicken, salad and corn on the cob..mmmmm...I just realized, I am starving!! Maybe after I eat, I will have the energy to get at the yard, maybe...I should do it while it's cool out and the mosquitos aren't around to attack. Maybe. But then again, I have to work tonight and if I do the yard, I might get lazy afterwards and sit around on the couch all night...it will call to me. How is all this for undeep blogging. I am tired of being deep and thought-provoking. I think I am all blogged out these days, what do you think? When a woman starts writing about housecleaning, what she's having for dinner and dustbunnies...you have to know her life is pretty boring. But you know what..I am not bored...I am feeling...hmmmm...what am I feeling? Happy to be me, satisfied and downright uncluttered inside...it's about time!

Okay, I am back...back in the cold Northern regions of Canada. I feel like I have been gone forever and I wish I had been able to stay longer. For all of you who don't have a clue what I am talking about. I actually drove 1900 kilometres to Florida to meet someone in person whom I was lucky enough to meet through the wonderful world of blog. "My" Pidge as I call her...

She is so absolutely beautiful, inside and out! She has a smile that lights up her whole face and her eyes start smiling before the rest of her face, they literally glow. ( I am an expert on glow okay ) Trust me, she glows... I spent less than 24 hours with her but I will remember every moment forever....from her southern twang...to her spelling out s-t-u-p-i-d in front of her children ( how adorable is THAT!)....to the fork flying across the dining room at the Olive Garden restaurant. Her knowing laughter...I felt like we had known each other forever and yet wished I could have spent so much more time finding out about her. I would love to get that girl alone....NOOOOOOOOO...not like that..although, hmmmmmm...no, no...seriously...just alone with no one listening in to stop her thoughts from being spoken. Although sometimes I think she just stops herself, because she is afraid what she will say will sound "bizarre" ..haha...kinda like I probably sounded half the time..hahahaha...I don't know.... I just know I can't wait till I can see her again...and that I will someday!

I don't have a clue what she thought about me...I was so hyper (or happy)...I felt like I wouldn't be able to stay inside my own skin. I am afraid I acted a little over the edge, said more than I should have sometimes. I can be a little too bluntly honest and well, just me sometimes. I probably scared the loo-la out of her.

The trip down there was extremely exhausting and by the second day of driving I could barely keep my eyes open... but on the way back, I felt like I could drive forever. Especially in West Virginia...it was just so gorgeous and I felt as if anything was achievable, every confusing thought that has been plaguing me became clear and easy to resolve. I felt for the first time in a long time, like I really liked who I was...that is an incredibly powerful feeling...I hope it lasts.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! I AM HERE !!!!!!!!!!! I am posting from PIDGY'S !!! I AM IN FLORIDA!!!! I am not kidding you, I really am! This is sooooooooooo KEWL!!!! I am sitting at her computer, in her house at this moment in time and we are heading out for breakfast at the Cracker Barrell and going to the Beach BABY!!!!

I guess I should post something in this here blog even though I don't have much of interest to blab on about. No dead squirrels at my back door, no bridal showers to attend....actually my kitty, my poor beautiful, soft, friendly kitty cat has disappeared. I hope he is alright, that he is just off sowing his wild oats and will show up again in the fall, but I don't hold out much hope for him. The week before he disappeared he came home with a trap on his foot, it was so horrible...we live in the country and some cruel farmer probably got tired of him harrassing his chickens. He must have dragged that heavy trap home from God knows where and there he sat, looking so pitiful. We rushed him to the vet and had his paw-paw x-rayed and thank God it was just sprained, and he limped around the house for a few days and then he was off again and we never saw him again. I miss him rubbing up against my leg wanting to be fed, I miss the way he curled up at my feet when I worked on the computer at night, I even miss him trying to sneak into our room at night, inching the door open an inch at time and padding over to my side of the bed so he could stretch out beside me because he knew if Gord heard him he would throw his ass out the door. My poor neglected, mistreated kitty cat...*sad face*...Maybe he couldn't handle Denim's over-enthusiastic hugs anymore or his irregular feeding times...maybe he has found someone else to love him. I can only hope that is the case and he did not die painfully on the side of the road or in another evil trap. I love you Cougarbaby..wherever you are.

I am supposed to meet my Grandma for icecream today at Baskin Robbins...it is not an icecream kind of day. It is cold and wet and miserable but then again, chocolate ice cream is a real perky-poo. Chocolate anything is a mini orgasm for me. Mmmmm..I haven't had chocolate since Easter when I binged and ate my daughters whole bunny. HA...hide the chocolate from Mommy...I am notorious for my chocolate obsession, if there is chocolate in the house, I will sniff it out..yep.

I was driving Denim to preschool today and that song by Sloan came on, what is called...damn..wait let me look in my realjukebox...OMG...I don't have it anymore..how can I not have that song..shit! Well whatever it's called, it comes on and I start crying. I don't know what it is about that song that does that to me...oh...found it...it is called "Everything You've Done Wrong"...haha..that title says alot doesn't it. I have to hear it again...I think I am nutso...I think I must like to cry.

I have to go to 'the' counsler tonight and I am terrified. Really. I have major butterflies swarming around in my belly. Her office is inside a church, so...hmmm..that just doesn't seem good to me. She is going to tell me all the things I don't want to hear. I don't know how I am going to spill my guts. It is different doing it on here to faceless whoevers but I know how immature and whiny I am going to sound...me, me, me...I want..I want..I want...poor me, poor poor me. Oh...this is not good..give me strength Pidge, tell me again that i really should go. Don't let me chicken out again.

Ohhhh...my grandma just called and canceled the icecream date. I guess the miserable weather had her feeling unicecreamish too. So now what to do this afternoon. I will have to do something to keep my mind of those fluttering flutterbyes in my belly. Maybe I will go scrounging at Value Village or hmmm..I could go to Price Club..it's safe, it is a Thursday (haha figure that one out faceless people).

Well it has been 3 weeks and I have heard nothing, nada, from Tracey ..otherwise known as Flutterbymee. I have racked my brain but I have no earthly idea why she no longer wishes to be my friend. Maybe cuz I wouldn't leave the door unlocked for her to come and retrieve her furniture the day she moved, but Gord came home early from work to let them in and I had no way of being here or I would have...could that be it? If so that is pretty trivial...or maybe it is the paint stains on her kitchen chair cushion, there were a few tiny spots of the kids paint on the chair cushion because it was next to the homework table and well oops...I should have been more careful with her stuff. Is that enough reason to end a friendship? Not in my books but you never know what will crack a glass with some people. I thought I had been a good friend to her, I was there for her when she needed me...I did anything I could to help her out and loved doing. Sigh..I don't know...what more could I have done...I think maybe I am just meant to be friendless...I will accept my lot in life...smile bravely at strangers who will never really know me and hold it all inside. Kay this is getting down and dumpy and I will nto allow myself to get into that mode...so..POOF...I am gone.

Okay...do you think it is possible to love someone you have never met?? I have said it, maybe lightly before...but I truly feel it , deep inside when I say Pidge I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!!!....I got all teary-eyed, well I do that easily lately anyway...but I got a lump in my throat, and warm and shivery all over when I saw what you did for me in your last post...just to cheer me up! I haven't met you ..YET...but dammit Pidgy...I love you! Thank you!!!!

Don't you just HATE it , when you your child answers the phone for you before you can yell, " Let the answering machine get it!!! " ...And don't you hate it even more when you get to the phone and the person on the other end is a salesperson...but the absolute WORST is when that salesperson is selling something for Charity!!!!!!! AHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I could literally pull my hair out. All the sickeningly sweet niceties that have to come out of my mouth, cuz they are sucking up to me. Telling me how polite and sweet my child was when she answered the phone, how he could tell that I was a wonderful parent..blah blah blah!! All to sell some magic show tickets for kids with CF. Well....if my child answering the phone politely means I am a good parent, we have some REALLY bad parents out there. Let me tell you ! My kids only answer the phone that way because in all honesty they are scared to death of me. Haha...

But anyway, how is that I always, always buy from these charity people! Do have such low self-esteem that I want to be liked so badly , I will pour money into charity's for it. Or is that I am such a warm hearted person, I truly want to help all these different organizations? Let's not kid ourselves here....In the end though, does it really matter what my wacky reasoning was...I spend more money on McDonald's and Tim Hortons coffee in a week than I spend in a year on charity..so it serves me right, and it serves my community that I am so very weak-hearted......oh icky poo

Someone looked up Jimmy Buffet baby clothes on a search engine, that brought them to my site. Jimmy Buffet baby clothes???? Why on earth would you want baby clothes for Jimmy Buffet or baby clothes that looked like what Jimmy Buffet would wear??? Bizarre!! At least it is not ex-rated like half the searches that bring people in are. You wouldn't believe, or maybe you would, some of the stuff people search for. The worst part is that most of it is child porn. I don't even want people like that looking at my site. For example...."Fathers f****** their baby daughters" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SICK! PERVERTED! GROSS! Repulsive!

I woke up in a great mood but that is being sabotaged. My poor Pidge is in an ughy bughey mood as she puts it, I had a book arrive damaged to a customer...and well...I don't know...I guess that just brought me down. I will have to snap out of it though. Put on some of that Oldies music Pidge says won't let you feel blue.

Oh...and I can't wait to see Pearl Harbour...has that started yet? We are going to a movie tomorrow night, so I hope it has been released. Even though you American's seem to believe that you won the war single-handedly, I am sure this will still be a very kewl movie. I get goosebumps just from watching the trailer, all those Japanese planes, hundreds of them, swarming over those unsuspecting people. It would be like seeing a swarm of killer bees coming towards you, only maginfy that by ..oh...a million times..

Oooh..and Pidgy you have to see Bridget Jone's Diary...Incredible movie, very funny...and I just sooooo love Colin Firth...mmm..mmm...yummy. I have watched Pride and Prejudice about one hundred times, I am such a gooey romantic. So I don't know..he just turns me on completely. He has the sweetest mouth, makes me think naughty thoughts. Seriously though, it is a really down to earth comedy, that the average woman can relate to, and of course Hugh Grant is hilarious...big hair and all. You know Pidge, it is really starting to bother me that you live so very far away from me....

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tina WON!! I was so surprised , but so glad..well it was a hard decision though, I wouldn't have wanted to make it, but I really believe she was the most warm-hearted person there. And sooooooo, but also I have to say that I was EXTREMELY impressed with Colby for not voting Tina off, when we all know that it would have been in his best interests to do so. Wow! What a man..definitely shows his true nature. Damn, I'm proud of him! But hey, he didn't do too bad, he got his Harley, he won an Aztec..and he is going to go places in life. He has major potential, don'tcha think.

I think I must be the ONLY person on the face of the earth though, who actually liked Jerri! I am serious. I think she is awesome! What does that say about me? Hmmm..I don't know but you know what I like about her. She is HONEST!!!!! She is REAL!!!!!!! Not like half the people in this screwed up society of ours that tip toe around truths, who are afraid to say what they really mean. She reminds me of a female Mark Smuck. HAHA...anyway. I would love to have a friend like her. At least with someone like that you would always know where you stood. No guessing games. Yep, I admire her.

Hey Pidge I was reading some of those blogs you mentioned and you are right, they are AWESOME!!!!! I even found out that my lesbo name according to this site is Garnet Slickfruit. LMAO!!!! Suits me...I like.

As for tatoos, ummmmmmm...sorry...not for me babydoll. I just don't like the image of me 15 years from now, all saggy and wrinkled with this faded tatoo in some embarrassing area. I am so very practical and Capricorn like about certain things. I cut loose in totally different ways. But being a Capricorn isn't so very bad..Tina is a Capricorn.

I still think you and I should do the Walmat thing when I come to see you...now that is my idea of fun!!!!

nope, make that four loads...

(b)(i)Wind...wind....(/b)(/i) not the gently blowing wind but strong bursts of warm, cleansing wind. The kind that feels like it will only last seconds but keeps pushing, breathing...carressing, soothing. Touching me. Lifting my hair, tickling me behind my knees..urging me to run with it. The grass ripples for acres around me, so I can follow the path of the beckoning wind, as if it is speaking to me.

Now I remember what I love about living in the country....yellow everywhere, daffodils nodding at me, yellow bushes that look like heather or broom, like a souviner from Victoria....even the dandelions look beautiful. The brilliant reds and blues of darting birds that nest in freshly blooming shrubs near the playhouse. They are playing hide and seek with me. I feel it all inside me, building, blooming...spring, new beginnings...hope.

On a more mundane note...I polished off some of my list...dishes done, three loads of laundry done, floors swept, bedroom floor cleared off...a good start. I can feel a smile in my heart.

Hey Pidge, you want something to do? I have one hell of a list that would keep you busy, that should be keeping me busy..but I soooooooooooooooo hate housework..hate, hate, hate it!!!!! Cuz as soon as its clean, boom, it's messy again. And this old farmhouse if too frigging enormous for me to keep more than one room clean at a time. I mean it would be so very embarrassing for me to put my list down...but you know what, besides you, I don't know a damn person who reads this blog so who cares !!

1. Clean the mounds of clothing off my bedroom floor
2. Remove the piles of half sorted books off my bedroom floor
3. Change the beds ( I think a month is stretching even my standards )
4. Clean the clothes off the floors in the kid's rooms
5. Do the dishes, that aren't piled in the sink at least but have been neatly stacked for a day and half now
6. Sweep carpets, cuz my vacuum cleaner is broken, has been for about 3 months now
7. Sweep and wash all floors
8. Do eight loads of laundry (at least.. could be ten after I pick up all the clothes up from bedroom floors)
9. Wash 20 windows so that you can actually see through them again
10. Wash all greasy fingerprints off the walls (about 6 months worth)
11. Wash the layer of dust and grime off the top of all baseboards (ewww)
12. Weed second flower bed ( we are talking monster weeds here but hey, I got one flower bed done last week, wow)
13. My car...well...my car is another whole list in itself....
14. Scan 100 books by Thursday...shit..is it Wednesday already?

But you know what I am going to do instead...go outside in this beautiful 26 degree weather and jump on the trampoline..yep..uh huh, I will let the housework fairy worry about it all...I want to fly..

Well...in one more day I will lose my best friend in the whole world. She is moving...5 HOURS away from me, to the moon practically. Actually the place she is moving to resembles the moon...sigh....It doesn't seem real yet. Of course, we we always be best friends, I will still be in contact with her..thank God for Msn..but..still...

We have been apart before, several times actually over the years, she lived an hour away, I lived in Calgary for a year, then I lived in B.C. for three years. And there was even a point in our friendship when we were not on speaking terms for over two years but this time there is a sense of finality about it. I probably always knew I would come back from B.C. but her family is there, where she is moving. This is a sensible move for her. I never made sensible moves. I alway moved on a whim. She will be happy where she is going and there will be no turning back. I will never move there and she will never live here and we will be this far apart forever.

The thing that makes this situation even harder, is the fact that over the past two years we have become closer than ever before, spent time with each other more than ever before. I just can't imagine how I will cope without her. She is literally my only friend besides a wonderful online friendship with Pidge. I have no one now. No one to get together with and talk about life over coffee, to ease the pain of everyday living, to lift my spirits when they are low. I will miss her unbearably.

We say...we will see each other once a month, that I can drive up there and stay over night etc., but even though that may happen occasionally, I know even that will not happen as often as we'd like. When she lived in Toronto the times got fewer and farther between. Life and circumstances and distance will separate us more than we wish it to.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy for her. I helped her make this decision. I know it is right for her and her family. The best possible thing she could do under the circumstances...but I have to be honest about what it means to me.

She leaves tomorrow and I will not even be here to see her one last time. I now, truly am, friendless, alone.

I received an email that I found very interesting. One of those forwarded things that is supposed to make you feel better about yourself. I will paste it below.

Facts of Life:

1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for
you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to
be just like you. No kidding! I know some of those people.

4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't
like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. Without you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique, in your own way.

9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from
it.

11. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look,
you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you
probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably
sooner or later will get it.

13. Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude
remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much
better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they
are great.

I had a hard time coming up with those 15 people that love me in some way. I could only come up with 11. How sad is that. In fact alot of those comments actually made me feel worse. My life is in sad, sad disarray.

It is ALL my fault. MY fault. ALL of it. Everything. I am a selfish person. I don't feel bad as I say this. It is a relief to admit it. I had the affair because it made me feel good to feel like someone loved me. To make someone want me sexually.

I do things for my friend out of selfishness because I want her to like me, to feel as if she can't live without me in her life.

I don't spend time with my children as much as I should because I am SELFISH. If it isn't something that interests me, I'd rather not do it, plain and simple. All the emotional and behavioural problems my children have are MY fault. All the insecurities and fear and lack of confidence my husband has are MY fault because I have brow-beaten him, cuckolded him. It is all because I am selfish. I admit it.

I have fooled myself into believing that I am a compassionate, warm, giving person all these years. But I am out for me and me only. I am selfish...period.

WOW!!!!!! Whew...ya..WOW!!!!!!!

Well another holiday over. That's how it seems these days..these grown-up days. Just shop till you drop, make everyone happy, thank God when its all over. What's it all about again??? Oh yeah...some guy from another planet who came and created "miracles", spread his philosphies, and got killed for it...and we Celebrate this? Go figure...

No, it's really about love right, when it comes right down to it. Somehow the Easter Bunny is about love, showing your kids how much you adore them by leaving them little chocolate eggs to rot their teeth and make them bounce off the walls, get overtired and have bellyaches all night long. Ah...the joy of love. There has to be a better way. I guess I could take them out of school and bannish the T.V. so they wouldn't know all the commercial joys they were missing out on. Move farther into the country and we could spend our time playing board games, roasting marshmellows and hugging each other. Or we could become Jehovah Witnesses and cease to celebrate holidays altogether. It should be easy enough, we get about 20 Jehovah's at our door per month trying to foist their beliefs on us. Instead of running and hiding in the bathroom, everytime one of their cars pulls up, I should let them in and tell them to convert us..to show us the light, the way to simplicity. There has to be meaning in something , somewhere, doesn't there?

I mean if I am going to try and go the straight and narrow, be a good person, do the right thing...shouldn't I feel the rightness in this choice of a life I have made?

Well...my mother now officially agrees with me that my children are uncontrollable monsters. Well, the two youngest are, my oldest son is normal except when he has had more than he can stand from the craziness of the other two. She doesn't know how to handle them, I don't know how to handle them, my dad took off because he just won't handle them....oh, it is so complicated. I really used to believe it was my youngest son who had some sort of condition that made him wild, but I am beginning to wonder if my daughter has made him this way with constant secretive abuse. She was born without a smile, that is how I think of her. She believes the world is against her, everything makes her unhappy and she likes to make everyone else as unhappy as her. They will be home any minute and my quiet, peaceful solitude will be gone. At least I was able to go for a walk and reflect and restore...it won't be long before I am pulling my hair out again.

I had a turning point this past weekend...in part due to the letter that I will share a parts of with you below and in part to a slight revelation. This letter from a dear friend, came at a time when I had lost faith in humanity and more importantly , when I had lost faith in myself.....

"...Given all the crap that seems to be happening to you lately, I do want to say a few things. Now you and I have never met, but during our friendship online, I've come to know how beautiful you are. And not just beautiful in a physical sense, but I've realized that you are also charming, intelligent, gentle, compassionate, sincere, sensual, and openminded. These qualities make you a great person! Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend or more! For people to not see these qualities in you, it shows how shortsighted, and superficial they really are. These are the qualities that make you a very unique and beautiful woman. I have little reason to write this, since we may never meet, but I want to tell you all of this because you should never doubt yourself or who you are. Your search for love in life is noble, and you have a perfect partner (from what I can tell anyway) for such a search in Gord...only be sure not to look too far, because that love you are looking for may be right in front of you (again, this is a reference to Gord). If you can put all the things you two have experienced behind you and start over, imagine the possibilities that life can bring you! Imagine the happiness you can find.

In short, I can't fully appreciate your circumstances right now (since I'm not in your shoes) but I can attempt to understand them. Heck, I may even be completely off the mark on my observations! Still I want you to know one thing. You are a wonderful woman, with so much to give to the world. Please don't doubt that one bit. I do hope that things work out with life and if ever we meet, than that day will have been one of my luckiest days ever...."

This letter was enough to shake me out of my self-pitying state and realize that it is time to let go, move on and put my ego in its place. Thank you...you know who you are.

The second turning point came during the weekend. We spent the weekend in Toronto for my son's dance competition. We stayed in a hotel, swam in the pool with the kids, soaked in the jacuzzi, had running races around the empty arena hallways, played bum wars (fun but difficult to explain), watched the dances and generally just had a great time. Now, all of these activities in and of themselves were not what caused a revelation or an adjustment of my sagging spirit. This came on the drive home, when I suddenly realized that I had not thought of Steve the entire time, not once in a full two days ...and not only that but, now that his name did pop into my head, it was an annoyance. I didn't want or care to think about him or actually that thinking of him, didn't bother me anymore. It was like a weight had been lifted off my heart and the past truly feels like it is finally where it belongs...behind me....and I intend to keep it that way. I can honestly say now, that he is the last person on earth that I would want to accidentally run into. Oh...hold on, that isn't entirely true. The VERY last person on earth would be the lady across the road...he would be the SECOND last person...

So ...went to the eye doctor today, apparently I have 16/20 vision still but I have a stigmatism...whatever that is, causes my eyes to feel like there is a film over them? Too much working on the computer...so I will be wearing glasses for driving at night and working on the computer. I can't wait to pick out a really kewl looking pair. Make me look like a smart blonde, a smouldering librarian type!

I went for my first walk of the season last night, just along the highway from our house. There is no where else to walk around here, unless I drive there. Why is it when you walk along a highway people stare at you like you are nutso, I wonder? I live on this road okay!! Sheesh, mind your own beeswax! Funny how much you miss when you drive along that road, like all the litter piled in the wet ditches...eww and even worse, the decomposing bodies of roadkill...eeeuck! I also had an over-protective cow run at me when I walked by a pasture they were in. She ran right at me , stopped at the fence and snorted. I thought only bulls did that. She kept looking over her shoulder at the herd?...as if to say , "are you moving, get out of here, I've got you covered...shoo"...as I walked along, she would run back towards the herd, stop , turn around and wait till I got further away and finally gave up , considered me at a safe distance and went back to join the party. I must look really threatening to cows..hmmmm. I should have started jumping up and down, waving my arms and screaming to see what her reaction would have been, but to tell you the truth, I was a little intimidated..*sheepish grin*.

Pidge went to Disneyworld without me...boo hoo! But she did give me a good tip or two. I am one third of the way to paying our way there and I mean it Pidge, you better expect visitors when the time comes!!

It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, how honest and polite I try to be, how much I try to give, the world is attacking me . Everybody...complete strangers even...hate me. They may all seem like minor incidents but it is just coming at me from all sides and I am just not strong enough to shrug off all the attacks. What am I doing wrong? Am I being punished...I guess I deserve to be.

My daughter came home upset the other day because the girl who lives across from us had been giving her hate notes and calling her names....Now believe me...I know my daughter, she probably instigated this, but I also know that the reason the two girls don't get along is because they are so much alike. So I thought I would do the good mom thing and just phone the girl's mother and explain, that I understood so and so probably had more than enough reasons to be angry at my daughter but that I was going to talk to my little girl and could she talk to hers and just have them agree not to speak to each other at all, if they couldn't get along , to just keep nasty comments to themselves. So I got the machine and I started saying all of this in what I SWEAR to you was a friendly , reasonable tone ...when she suddenly picks up the phone and starts yelling and hurling insults at me. I am not exaggerating! I tried to calm her down, asked her why she was yelling, that I was not in anyway blaming her daughter, that I just wanted to see if we could come to a reasonable solution... but, she hung up on me! Yikes! Then she called back, still yelling and called me a "fucking bitch"...what??? I don't even know her, she doesn't know anything about me? I swear I did nothing to provoke this attack!! Then she accused me of being a bad mother for sending my daughter to stay with her grandmother for 2 weeks, 2 summers ago when we were moving here from B.C. ...WHAT??? Does that make me a bad mother? For sending my daughter somewhere she wanted to be.. I am confused? And what on earth did that have to do with anything? I stayed calm, asked her again to stop yelling at me and she again , hung up...and then again..she called back..well I was getting literally frightened of this woman and told her she was bordering on harrassment and I did not ever want her to call my house again. It was bizarre! But it affected me...I was hated for reasons I do not understand.

Now, today...I had a sale on ebay...I was accused of charging too much for shipping, so I sent the woman a very polite statement explaining how much her package wieghed, as well as the canadian postal rate guide and the site address so that she could see for herself what the exact cost of shipping was. She very rudely replied that she still believed she was being lied to but that she would "honour" her bid even though she was disgusted with me...disgusted? What did I do? I can not send it for less than it costs, I don't even charge people for shipping materials, such as envelopes..what more can I do??

My son, is being harrassed at school...he is being labeled as "gay" because he dances and he sang at the school talent show last year. I guess this is to be expected, if you are different, you are shunned. The world just seems so cruel these day..I used to be able to take it all in my stride but I am beginning to believe people can just look at me and believe that I am a bitch...am I ? I don't want to be. I feel like I am a kind hearted person. I try to smile at everyone when I am out, I let people in..always..when driving and yet I still get incidences where complete strangers give me dirty looks for no reason or I am attacked out of the blue. It just seems to be happening on a regular basis lately.

Then I examine my life and question the fact that I am... besides one incredibly , caring, loving friend...alone. I have no other friends, everyone I have ever known has eventually stopped being my friend or faded from my life....and I have to ask myself.. why? I must not see myself the way others do, I must be selfish or make unforgivable mistakes that drive people away. I have completely lost faith in what I thought I knew about myself. What can I do to make up for it, make up for who I have been? All I have ever wanted is love, to love and to be loved...how is that wrong or evil or selfish?

We watched the most incredible movie last night...not because it was one of the better movies I have ever seen but because it is based on the life of STEVE ! I swear to you! IT is amazing ! If it wasn't a new release I would swear he had watched this movie and made it his own philosophy for life..although the guy in the end of this movie realizes that his philosophy sucks and that he was afraid to live, to really live , to take chances with love and all areas of life. Anyway it made me understand him in a way I never had thought of before. He was afraid, pure and simple, not just with me but he has always been afraid to open up and share himself completely. The movie is called THE TAO OF STEVE ! Can that be a coincidence!?! Is that amazing or what! Steve...if you ever read this...you HAVE to watch this movie!! I have seen quite a few good movies lately. Another good one for laughs is 'Saving Grace'...very funny!

I don't hate my kids anymore...I hate being weak but it felt good to ask for help for a change. I don't usually do that, in fact I rarely ever have. That is the first time I have called Gord and told him I needed him to come home. I needed a hug more than I needed help with the kids and he was there for me, I can never thank him enough ...he has been so good to me, he is so full of love and goodness, how could I have not seen it before.

I also want to thank Pidge ! She has been so wonderful, writing me and telling me she understands, giving me an online hug with her words and encouragement! I am so very glad that I met you Pidge...that day you first emailed me was a day that changed my life....thank you!

I honestly could never commit suicide, not ever but God do I wish I could! I think I am having a nervous breakdown, I am shaking all over, my head is throbbing, I feel dizzy, I still hate my children, Gord is on his way home to protect them from me because I have them locked in their rooms to prevent me from beating on them. There are flies buzzing, buzzing, buzzing ...all over the windows...skydiving down at me as I type. A few of them are wasps. Why did I ever want to live in the country, I hate it here, I hate this house. I don't want to live in the country anymore. I don't want to live anywhere. I just want to ..ahhhhhhh..I don't know what I want to do. I want to be happy, I want to know how to raise my children so they will listen to me, so I don't have to shout at the top of my lungs and threaten them. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to spend my days vacumming up flies that just come back 15 minutes later from the inside of the walls where they come out of the insulation. I don't want to do dishes or do laundry or constantly pick things up off the floor anymore, so that I can stand to sit in this stupid chair in front of this stupid computer and scan books, and enter prices and descriptions till my eyes bug out. Just so I can get up and clean again a few hours later. YES Goddammit ! I am feeling sorry for myself, sorry for my children, sorry for Gord. Somehow this is all my fault, I have failed with my children, my marriage, my life and I had so many wonderful plans when I was young and stupid. I thought I would be the most wonderful , loving mother, the most faithful, fun, happy wife. That I would accomplish something. Now Gord will just come home and yell at them some more and that will do no good. Poor guy, he doesn't know what to do anymore than I do. We are lost, lost, are children are doomed to become failures too because they have watched our methods of parenthood. My head is aching and I don't feel like typing anymore.

Is it possible to HATE your own children? Children that I wanted with every breath of my being, that I yearned for so badly I could think of nothing else. Little babies that I loved and adored , hugged and protected from harm. I must be a failure as a mother, I don't know where I went wrong, can you give your children too many hugs, love them too much. I have done everything I can to make their childhood a memorable time , given up my time to take them to dance, gymnastics, camps, baseball so that they would be challenged , fit and have healthy outlets for their energy. Does it matter, does anything I do matter. They are monsters. They hate me. They talk rudely to me, they complain about everything, they are unhappy people. I have failed. No wonder I wanted to run away from it all. It wasn't anything to do with Gord and I , it is this sense of failure that I feel with my children. Moments like these, and there are many of them...I just want to run. I never used to understand how someone could do that but now I applaude their courage or is that cowardice. I don't know if I am more courageous or cowardly for staying with them. Is it a matter of what people think that keeps me here or what my kids will think of me or how I will think about myself. It is all just senseless babble anyway.

Okay...would the person with the ISPN #208.18.85, please step up to the plate...and tell me...WHO THE HECK ARE YOU???....I mean not that I mind that you come , but why so often, especially now when my life or my written life at least , is so very boring right now!! I just don't get it. You are in Central Standard time , are you American, Canadian?? Hmmm....I am sooo nosy!

Anyway, I am not friendless anymore...I should have had more faith...I have very little faith in the loyalty of the people who love me. Although, in my defence I would have to say for good reason, as I have been abandoned many, many times over the years. Gord says its because I am a bitch, a man in a woman's body. I don't take shit from anyone and that is not an attractive quality in women I guess. Also I don't "suffer fools gladly" which I guess just means , stupid people piss me off, can't tolerate them and I have this really bad habit of letting them know. But anyone who reaaalllly bothers to get to know me, knows I am a big softy underneath...although I can keep them guessing sometimes. I don't tend to share my thoughts, I have all these loving thoughts, compliment people in my mind and for some reason don't understand that they don't know how I feel...Duh! Maybe I am one of the stupid people I despise so much...hehehe.

So my life is essentially pretty normal right now, some might say boring but it is comfortable, I am very happy and content and I feel safe...ya that's it, I feel safe. Weird...I think that is due to Gord...he loves me..and you know what...I love him.

We bought a tent trailer on Monday night, drove all the way to Ottawa in his big bus of a van, my back will never be the same and poor Gord... I read all the way up there, but I don't get a chance to do that very often. He can't understand how I can read for 6 hours straight while we are driving without getting sick to my stomach but it has never bothered me. I grew up driving across the country and once you have seen it 3 or 4 times, reading is more interesting. So anyway, the trailer is soooooooooo awesome. It is fourteen feet long, has two dinettes, sleeps eight, fridge, stove, sink, linen closet, curtains, the works and is in Excellent condition! I can't wait till Summer !!!!!! We want to go to the Muskoka's , Sauble, P.E.I. , maybe even down to Georgia and Atlanta. I have a to-do list of things we are going to do this summer. I have to go canoeing, fishing, hiking in Tobermory and Elora, and of course I have to get my fix of Rollercoasters at Canada's Wonderland. Then... come October....DISNEY!!!!!!!!!!!! That will be heaven!!!!!! Heaven!!!!!! We are going to visit Pidge on our way down, can't hardly wait !

I have entered 80 books in three days and have 60 more to enter tonight...this is how I am paying for all my enormous plans...so I better get back to work!

Tracey...I love you babydoll! Heart and soul!

There is a brand-new diddy I heard today on the radio that could be the theme song of someone I used to know...it even seems to have a little island sound to it! It is sooooooo catchy! Go download it, you will like...

Follow Me - by Uncle Cracker ( redneck flavour too..hmmm...LOL ! )

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why...
You can't turn around
And say goodbye...

All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free...
And swim through your viens
Like a fish in the sea....

I'm singing..
Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can gaurantee
You won't find nobody else like me...

I'm not worried about the ring you wear
Cuz as long as no one knows
Then nobody can care
You're feeling guilty
And I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
And Baby..I'm not scared

I'm Singing...
Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can gaurantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
You're better off if you don't ask why
I'm the not the reason that you
Go astray
And...
We'll be alright if you don't ask me to stay

I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can gaurantee
You won't find nobody else like me

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why...
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your viens
Like a fish in the sea

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can gaurantee
You won't find nobody else like me...

These contant reminders are amazing me....

My brother Mark is getting married in Hawaii in January. He loves to be complicated. I would love to go to Hawaii, I would love to see my brother get married for that matter but...ouch! Expensive! I think he is trying to ditch his family and get married with only his friends in attendance because he must know that with three kids we simply cannot afford to be there at a cost of $900.00 per airline ticket, not to mention the hotel, food and spending money costs. We would be looking at an $8000.00 dollar week! Hellllllloooooooo !!! No can do! I would so love to go...sigh...I have been looking at the website for Kaui where we would be staying and it looks so incredibly beautiful, magical and peaceful. But , it just isn't a possiblity at this time in my life.

I am missing my Racey very much. She is staying with her mother this weekend, things seem so quiet without her around.

Is it just me or does this seem like the longest winter. It just won't seem to end. Usually time just flys by for me but right now it just drags on and on and on and seems to get no closer to spring. I need the smell of fresh growing grass and daffodils to bring me back to life, the sound of the geese honking down at our pond and tractors grumbling in nearby fields. I promise myself to enjoy every sunny day to the fullest, to spend hours outside, gardening, walking, canoeing, swimming and breathing. I will not waste a single moment on regrets, sadness or doubt. I will live like there may not be a tomorrow.

Thank you Pidge! You are so sweet ... I meant every word.

Those tests I took below were from Emode , if anyone wants to try them, they are alot of fun !

What kind of Sex Goddess am I :

A brilliant bolt of lightning descends! SHAZAAM! The oracle has spoken!

The smoke clears to reveal that inside you is a divine being,

HESTIA, the Goddess of Family and Peace.

She's a deity who embraces all the aspects of womanhood. As a woman in her image, you exude femininity and sensuality.

You view men as the perfect counterpart to your womanly ways. But you probably don't appreciate casual encounters. Rather, you prefer purity and tradition. Because of these predilections, you tend to attract men who understand your nature and possess maturity and seriousness beyond their years. When you finally arrive at the bedroom and your divine qualities are released, you reveal such sensuality that the experience is unforgettable. In other words, with the right guy, you really know how to get wild in the sack. In fact, when the mood strikes, you can easily drive your man crazy. But out of respect for your inner nature, you require love and devotion from your partners. You are an attentive and giving lover who knows how to make your man feel sexy, appreciated, and fulfilled. When you show your stuff, it's like a light shines down from the heavens. Behold, the skies proclaim, here lies a goddess!

Oh my , what can I say.... so true, so true *wink*

What kind of Party animal am I you ask?....
Doe

Bambi you ain't, but you still have the qualities of a sweet, shy, forest-dwelling Doe. Though you're fun, friendly, and always delighted to meet new people, at parties you can seem like an innocent who's relatively inexperienced on the whole social scene. Perhaps that's true, perhaps it isn't. Either way, you can use it to your advantage — bat your girl-next-door lashes at the handsome young bucks and watch them come running. Just remember not to go into the meadow alone — it can be dangerous for a wide-eyed Doe. Smooth-talking wolves are always on the prowl for a pretty little prize like you. Take a friend or two along so you can relax and have a drink, knowing someone's got your back.

Um...hehe...oops ! Too late, no one told me not to bring Tracey...sigh...I was too busy watching her back and didn't see my own danger till it was far too late !

Hehehe...Tests are so much fun, especially when I agree with the results ;)

KEWL !!!!!!! I'm a Skydiver....

You're a free-spirited, independent, action-crazed lunatic. You love movies with sex and violence, and you drive like a maniac. "Anything for a good time," is your motto, even if that means dancing half-dressed on some booze-slicked bar. But let's face it, you're so fun, interesting, and gung-ho about life that people find you irresistible no matter what you do. You're open and extroverted, and chances are you're pretty liberal (ever thought of giving nudism a try?). Plus, you can work a crowd, baby. You're like a magnet for love and affection. People adore you. They'll cross a busy street just to get a closer look at you. And, thanks to that healthy dose of self-confidence, you're super-flexible — it takes a real downer to make you blue. Your friends are probably all just like you, and we wouldn't be surprised to hear that you're all plotting to take over some Caribbean island.

You're a great leader at work. You're a self-starter and will always volunteer to take on a job if no one else is up for the task. Plus, you're an excellent communicator and tend to spread your enthusiasm to others. But routine work makes you act up and throw things, and then people don't like you so much anymore.

Michelle is a Chihuahua!

Intense, devoted, and loyal.
(Friend for life.)

Michelle is a
Queen Bee

confident
no-nonsense
down-to-earth

(Definitely wears the pants.)

We had sooooooooo much fun yesterday !! We went to Boler Mountain and went Snow Tubing. I knew it would be a blast and it was! The pictures just don't do it justice. The hills were HUGE!! I got to the top the first time and having a extreme fear of heights almost chickened out . After asking the worker if anyone had ever died doing this and being re-assured, I closed my eyes and went down screaming my head off! WOW!!!!!!!! It was over before it began, it went so fast. Then you couldn't stop me! The ride up was almost as fun as the slide down! I went down with my kids in an inner tube circle most of the time. It was f-f-freezing but we bought some of those handwarmer things and put them in our boots and after awhile our faces numbed and we all really enjoyed ourselves. We arrived there in time for the 5pm to 7pm heat so we had the experience of going down in the daylight and then later in the dark with the lights lighting the hill and there was absolutely no lineups for the lifts.
They had some nice looking cross-country skiing trails there too , I'd like to come back and do that sometime without the kids, my body would be in extreme shock since I haven't done that in so long but I just love it so much. I almost want to learn to downhill ski, I loved being outside in the fresh air and the delightful drowsy feeling of warming up afterwards. Mmmm....and I loved being the passenger of the car on the drive home and just being, thinking my thoughts and listening to the radio. No conversation was needed, we were all very content and for once the kids were too happy and too tired to fight and bicker. It was a very good day.

The colour of my Aura....okay...so it only talks about the good side of my personality...can I help it !! If it is in writing you know it has to be true..haha!

"We don't need a psychic to tell us that you're giving off a Gold vibe. You couldn't ask for a better color — a glistening gold aura is as good as it gets. A lively blend of yellow and orange, gold people are happy, playful, energetic, sensitive, and generous. Always up for adventure, you'd give a friend in need the shirt off your back. You're spiritual, too — all those halos in old paintings aren't colored gold by coincidence. Almost childlike in the carefree, joyful way you live your life, you're popular and outgoing with your large circle of friends. Chances are you're so full of light and energy that you sometimes find it hard to sit still and chill out. Instead, you're constantly looking for excitement, no matter how risky or impulsive the occasion. Happy-go-lucky and always laughing, you truly are as good as gold."

I want to send out apologies, even if they will never be seen, even if the nasty comments I wrote on here at times were never seen...I want to say I am sorry. That was a side of me I am not proud of , but I also know it was part of my grieving process. My emotions have been so up and down, but most of the time low...low...low and I have felt guilty about these feelings, like I don't have a right to feel the sorrow of my loss and so I tried to suppress them , tried to act like my normally bubbly self so that the people that do love me would not need to comfort me, so that I would not hurt them or bring their level of happiness down. I was afraid to reach out and tell them I needed help . The silly thing is , they could see right through my fake laughter and dull eyes. I am sure the biggest clue was that I wanted to strike out at the cause of my sorrow by expressing hate and cruelty which isn't usually a part of my character. I hate hurting people but I wasn't allowed to cry , or thought I wasn't , that I had to be strong and so I had to release my pain in a way that I am ashamed of now.
I will still have moments where memories sweep over me and take the smile from my face but I will let the emotions run their course and I know that soon the sun will shine brightly again and I will hear the birds and I will sing from my heart. It won't be long till I will be whole again.
I want to thank Gord, and Tracey and Pidge from the bottom of my heart , for loving me, for helping me, for understanding . I couldn't have made it without all of you .
Gord you are on a pedestal to me now, I look up to you as a completely evolved being , you have the biggest heart and the most unselfish attitude, and your constant love for me astounds me. I won't say I don't deserve you because that would only take away from you. I will only say that I will aspire to become more like you and to be your equal in love, friendship and loyalty. I love you...
Tracey, you pull me out of the mire, when I feel I am sinking and losing the battle. Just the sight of your smile and the love and understanding I see on your face , gives me the strength to want to win this battle of the heart and soul. If I search the world over, under, still I wonder....how could I ever find a more complete friend...when I'm stuck and feel locked up...you turn the key. You minimize all of my insecurities...you always seem to know what I need...when I need it. Of all the many mysteries yet to come...I've solved the most important one ...You !! If not love...what ...is it I feel for you !
And Pidge...my crazy wonderful Pidgy ! Your acceptance of me into your life, even when you were muddled up , touched me ! I thought I could help you but in the end , you were the strong one, you were the wise one and most of all you make me laugh! I love your crazy views on life, your ability to be anything but ordinary , yet so completely at ease with it , which believe it or not makes you the most normal. You are a special person and I feel honoured to be even a small part of your life.
Steve...and I will include Mark in there as well, and even all the regulars at the coffee shop. Thank you for making me feel special for even a very short time, I was able to be and see a side of myself that I enjoyed and you all created more smile lines on my face, that I will have forever in memorium.
Life is an everchanging circle and we are all connected and we take a piece of each person we meet with us into our soul and hopefully it teaches us lessons that help us become better people , if we let them, if we open our hearts.

I am able to work again!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEE !!! I must be healing...

It feels so good to do something normal again. Normal is good. I feel normal , well sorta..

I am a very lucky woman.
My husband is an incredible man.

so.....

I can recommend the Black Mustard restaurant as a very romantic place to dine, and you must order the steak tenderloin...melt in your mouth , delicious..mmmmmmmmmm ! Even the veggies were yummy and I am usually a strickly broccoli and cauliflower person but I ate it all, the zuchini, the carrots..it was all so good. And the dessert ! Oh to die for ! Chocolate mouse, raspberry sorbet, homemade chocolate..mmmm..heaven ! I don't recommend the appetizers, we were a little weirded out by the goat's cheese with spiced pear on top of a portabello mushroom ( cold ) ...um...ick ! There was a guy playing jazz on a piano and we felt a little like we were on the set of Casablanca. We were at an end corner table facing the rest of the restaurant , so we stared at other couples all evening and picked them apart ..hehe..tried to figure out who was in love, who were first dates, who were happily married , etc.

Yesterday was the most romantic Valentine's day I have ever known. Balloons, roses, teddy bear , poetry, A CAR , dinner...and then what do I do to repay him for all this extreme woooing? I fall asleep...in his arms, but still...I fall asleep ..mumbling apologies...sigh! I am so cruel but I was exhausted by all the exciting developments of the day. I seem to be exhausted so easily now. I think to much and I am constantly feeling sorry about something....

I will make up for it this weekend. I will zap myself into an upbeat mood again and make our world a brighter place.

I am definitely feeling better than I have in weeks, or is that months. Yesterday really helped. It soothed me somehow, gave me peace...so be it.

The trees outside are beautiful today. Covered in snow, and lining the roads , making everything seems so quiet and comforting. I wish that it was warm enough to enjoy a walk and soak up their peace. I don't have to worry what they would be thinking of me or how I am making them feel. I can truly be myself among them. Spring can't come soon enough...

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY !!! XOXOXOXOX

What a day and it is just beginning !!! I came downstairs and found not one but two incredibly beautiful balloon bouquets...one for me and one for Racey !! Then half an hour later , Tracey is sitting by the window and starts "Oh my Godding ! Hehehe....Gord was driving up in a BEAUTIFUL blue Volkswagon Beatle !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is a rental for one day!!! Tracey and I will be booting around in it allllllllllllllll day!! We are going to have a BLAST !!!

Then tonight I am being taken out for dinner at the Black Mustard restaurant in Guelph !!

I am spoiled rotten....hehehehe !!!

So you sailed away...
into a gray sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothings quite the same now
I just say your name now
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phoney
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

It's not so bad
Your only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

It may take some time
To patch me up inside
I can't take it
So I run away and hide

I may find in time
That you were always right
Always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had

I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had

The best I ever had....

The best I ever had.

I am so happy to hear that you realize that it was not you. I knew it all along. Any man would have to be crazy not to want to be with you. You are incredible and I finally know it. I mean I always thought of you as special but now it is like something inside me snapped at that particular moment in time and I saw everything so clearly. I feel things that I've never felt before for you. Its like they were always there but just couldn't find their way out of me to reach into you. I lay there at night when we are in bed talking for a few moments and listen to your voice and I just want to tell you to keep talking. I want to say. Don't stop, just keep talking because it enchants me. I am lost in you and I hope that you have found me. Do you know what I mean? Just lost in every way.
Lets get out of here tonight and have some fun. We can go eat and just do what ever we want. I know I'm probably not as much fun as Tracey but it is ok to be yourself with me too. I love you.

Your Dordie.

I had the most incredible time last night!!!!! Sometimes doing the seemingly stupidest of things can turn into one of the best times , it was so worth it and I feel alive again ! Thank you Tracey for being my crazy, silly , soulmate !! We had so much fun watching the college crowd from Guelph last night and in the end actually being part of the crowd ! I am sure we had them guessing about our ages all night long.

It's been so long since I have been myself and getting dressed up and showing my face to the world again, restored me and I know now that I am going to be okay ...better than okay. It is easier for me knowing the truth in the past now too, knowing that it wasn't me. I AM OKAY...

Oh...and this is what happens when you don't bring enough beer and pizza to the islands , and try to survive off of coconut and Jimmy Buffett Musak....big mistake !!!
IslandJack

Hehehehehehe!!!

And this is the whole cast from the old soap opera....now you can see for yourself who we were ....
MichelleGordTraceyAndy

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE it !!! I am sticking my tongue out too ~

I ain't no Jackie-Shmackie and I always said ........ I didn't want to be your friend ~ HA!!!!!!!

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO VISIT THE ISLANDS :

10. You are liable to run into bored, lonely beachbums from small-town areas of Canada

9. There are too many Jimmy Buffet fans !!

8. Bachelors there, don't wear underwear...

7. Pirates don't keep their promises

6. People who go there tend to do so to run from reality !

5. The overpowering scent of coconut and jasmine will eventually make you GAG !

4. You might actually discover for yourself what the 5 steps are....

3. The only treasure you will find are re-used gold dolphin charms..( fool's gold )

2. Men down there make you do all the work , you'll ALWAYS be on top !!

1. Because if you are married, your wife may be swept off Forever and Beyond Eternity by the
first "conterfeit" BUCK that comes along !!!

Okay, yes, I'll admit it...I am hurt, terribly, deeply hurt and I am being childish and ridiculous. Lashing out irrationally at the one whom I loved because I envy the fact that he can turn his emotions off as easily as he turns off his television. I am angry that I was as important to him as an enjoyable movie , that you might want to watch again sometime but that is not good enough to remember . He could just turn the switch off and make me disappear forever and suffer no sense of loss. And yet I am happy for him, he is the lucky one. Would that I could do the same.

I am actually terrified that he may someday read this page and feel pain but at the same time I want him to suffer as I do. I want to believe that it all meant something , that all the words he gave to me were not lies. He doesn't care enough to even say goodbye, to acknowledge my existence...I know that I was no more important to him , than a faded dream , or worse that I am just a bad memory that needs to be erased or deleted. Everything I gave, all the pieces of my heart that are still with him have been emptied from his trash, so that I am scattered and incomplete and I feel that I may never be whole again. I don't matter. All that I gave was not enough and I gave all that I had, all the love in my heart ...and if that wasn't enough...how can it ever be again. I have always been disposable. Nothing has changed.

My mood in song.... Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Oh...and in case you were wondering....this is what a cowardly asshole looks like....*evil grin*

SCREW IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back ! I like this webpage too much to say goodbye and I don't care what people think of what I write ! I am here for me and me only...

So , Pidge , Tracey and I have all started a new blog together. Should be fun! The three of us together , it could get very , very , weird ! Weird is good !

Islandboy is an Asshole !! Sorry , had to get that off my chest. Actually he is a cowardly asshole. I wonder how he sleeps at night?? He can run to the "islands" but he will never be able to run from himself !

Okay on to more interesting topics that are worthy of my time and consideration....

My Racey Baby is still living with me and it is a WONDERFUL thing ! We have been behaving ourselves for the most part ....well sort of...hehehe !!!!!! Gord spoils us rotten with flowers, morning coffees, and we even got our very own cell phones ! We are sooooooooooooooooooo KEWL !!!!!!!!!! We spoil him back with the occasional carress, squeeze and tease while we lounge around in our cutsie pj's on the big comfy couch ! Mmmmmmmmm Mmmmmmmmm Mmmmmmmmmmm !!!! Yes Pidge we are still doing the Comfy Couch Dance !!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!

He doesn't know it yet but we are subtly working on Andy , so that he will be one of our toys too !!! Four is better than three! I hear he is a very good dancer too! Yummy !

Goodbye blog...

I started this blog as a way to express my true feelings, to discover things about myself . It started out good and then I let myself use it to gain friends, to gain popularity in a strange sense , to hide the pain instead of release the pain. I joked about things that weren't funny because what was inside was too painful to "share" . I added a sitemeter, a guestbook , a poll and somehow it became all about who was reading it and what they would think. Not about me , what was really going on inside my mind. The earlier half of this blog is the true me, blogs that came from my heart and soul. The newer blogs are a part of me I am not at all proud of .

So I say goodbye blog...hello Michelle...I will find you somewhere else....

Are You ready...
Are You ready...
Are You ready to fool around?
With Michelle and Racey
Gord and his lollie
On the Big Comfy Couch !!!!!!!

There is lots to Doodle Doo
Michelle and Racey love to dance for You
With a wiggle and a giggle
And a sticky friend
A place where horniness never ends

All over and under
The Big Comfy Couch
Get Ready...
Get Ready...
Get Ready to fool around
With Michelle and Racey
Gord and his lollie
On the Big Comfy Couch !!!!!!!!!!!!!

The LOVESHACK is a little love place where we can live together...together...together....

KEWL !!!

Tinroooooooooof !!!

Someone who has no interest in your life, or curiousity about your feelings...cannot love you...

Well...some very interesting developments have occurred this weekend!! Flutterbymee has left her husband and moved in with LOVESHACKBABY and Thunderstruck !!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!! Now believe me I do not take this lightly, I know this is a serious situation with emotions and consequences involved but this has needed to happen for so long. The relationship is at an unhealthy stage and needs a major wake-up call and/or it needs to be dissolved if things can't be changed. Tracey deserves more respect and the right to individuality than she has received in the past. I am here for her in any way she needs me to be and I will support any decision she makes.
I have to admit to the fact that I absolutely LOVE her being her with me, I have always wanted to live with her. Just think of the mischief we can get into now....hehehe...

I have soooooooooo much to do that I don't want to do and sooooooooooooo much that I want to do that I can't do. I wish it weren't so cold. I am tired of winter and it is not even halfway over. I want to walk, I want to run , I want to fly but I open the door and the icy blast brings tears to my eyes. I close the door and the warmth and security suffocates me. I miss Sauble Beach. I was there this year but I wasn't there. I am actually yearning for the beach, the warm sand and the cries of the seagulls which I rarely do. I want to be completely alone but that will pass. I have no real desire to go the Carribean , I hate swimming in the ocean, warm or not. The salt gets into your mouth, you come out feeling sticky...hate it. I love freshwater lakes, perferably sandy and shallow. Sauble. My dream location. That and Disneyworld. Both places represent two different sides of my personality. Child and Loner. Excitement and Peace. Today I would take Peace but I have six months to wait before my toes touch that warm , soft sand again. So how do I find my peace right now...

My car chewed its own transmission yesterday..kewl. I don't care cuz we lease and now we will get a brand new one, new kilometers , clean interior , the whole deal. Sounds good to me. Definitely advantages to leasing.

Maybe I should go for a drive in the rental. It is a Toyota Tercel. I used to own one and it was a nice litte car. Where should I go. Where can I drop my kids off...sigh.

Maybe I should take them snow sledding. Maybe not. Too cold...I am cold inside, don't need to be cold outside too.

I should exercise...that always improves my mood. I should do the dishes. I should do something..

This is contrary to my second to last post but it's a woman's perogative to change her mind daily, don'tcha know...

The Great Pretender - By The Platters

Ohhhh ...Yes..I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Ohhhhh..Yes I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game
But to my real shame
You've left me to grieve all alone

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Ohhhhhh....Yes...I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that your still around.....

Well...I am out of here, into the real world , to enjoy interacting with REAL people , where they can look into my eyes and know that I am sincere , that I care about them and a joke is always taken as a joke. Tracey and I are going out for our first coffee run in ages and I can't hardly wait to see her again. It will feel so good to just drive, talk , and enjoy each others company . I know that she knows me and loves me just the way I am and visa versa. Nothing can compare to that feeling, that feeling of being known and being loved completely. Thank you Racey !!!!

I try very hard not to play games with people, mind games , beating around the bush. I try...I am not perfect but honesty is very important to me. If something is bothering me, I tend to want to discuss it with the person, try to find out how we can solve the problem. I care about what they are thinking . I may not always be like-able but I like the fact that I am not fake, I say what I think , without thinking sometimes but at least I am real. I don't purposely say things that I think will hurt someone , I consider their feelings but at the same time , I don't hold back when something needs to be said. I can and have been revengeful in my lifetime but I usually feel horrible afterwards and make up for it as soon as possible. The worst thing I can do is hurt someone's feelings, I can't live with myself when I do that. I try to remain loyal to those I love. It takes alot for me to give up on someone I care about. My heart is full of the people I care about. I am the people I care about and it makes me sad when I believe someone doesn't care enough to be honest with me, even if they have something to say to me that may end up being more painful than the mindgames. I would rather hurt now , fully and completely , than to wait and worry and wonder about what I may have done wrong.

Date: 12/28/00
Guest: 1 (Reference ID: 154818)
Name: In The back seat Now!!!!
Email: N/A
Homepage: None
Referred by: A Link from another Site
Comments:
Gord: Love your wife with all your heart, she sounds like a wonderful woman, and you as a man of honor. Never give up on her. She has come through a most difficult time in her life. Her heart has been torn and toyed with enough, how do I know this???? well I have been somewhat in her shoes so to speak. Give her all your love, and as each passing day goes by she will understand that the words you write are sincere and true, we all at one time in our life have to learn the difference between JUST WORDS and TRUE WORDS FROM THE HEART!!! Yours I beleive are from the HEART, give Michelle all you have, and your return in life will be ten fold. NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

If this is who I think it is, WOW ! Thank you ....

I am feeling much better today. It is not that I think that men are pigs, it is just that is the way the world is. I needed to blow my top and say what I was feeling at the time but I truly don't care. I love myself and that is all that matters.

I HATE MEN!!!!!!!!! I hate that I allowed myself to feel good , to have my confindence boosted by a man or men who find me sexually attractive when I know !!! that 50 POUNDS ago none of the events that have been going on in my life would even be an issue. Islandjack would not have spared a second glance in my direction and if I had possibly found someone interested to fuck me as I was in my old body, Gord would have walked out the door without a second thought. I was the exact same person on the inside then as now but that wouldn't have mattered. I could see, hear, feel and sense the difference in people's attitude's towards me as I shed the wieght over a period of 7 months.
I have NEVER based the way I feel about someone on their looks, not ever have I considered not getting to know someone due to the size of their body, the beauty of their features , lack of hair , ect. Not that I don't appreciate the beauty of the human form, or a handsome face, but to me true beauty DOES shine from the inside. Some men will say that, but very few really mean it.
Right now I am totally disappointed in men, and therefore in myself for craving the type of attention they were suddenly willing to give me , when my body became desirable enough .
And I HATE that it matters to me that I am attractive, desirable, beautiful........I want to NOT care , to not give a DAMN ! I wish that I could say to hell with all men and use them until my body is no longer desirable and I no longer crave sexual attention. I hate that I LOVE men so easily....that I love them....

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! The kids have hung their stockings by the chimney with care, we probably have a mouse or two or three but the cat will murder them while we are sleeping...so then not a creature will be stirring , except of course for us while we read complicated instructions in Japanese , pour pre-mixed mortar in the base of the basketball hoop thing cuz we forgot we needed sand, oops! String up some groovy beads for my daughters doorway and stuff those waiting stockings to the brim. Oh ya, and gulp down sour Cranberry juice ( we forgot to stock up on milk ) and pillsbury cookies ( too much bother to bake this year ) . We should make it to bed with an hour to spare before the kids jump on our heads at 5 am . That's okay though because I am just as excited as they are !!!! I love playing Santa, it brings back the warm tingly feelings of childhood, the magical feeling of laying in bed listening for those pitter pattering reindeer hoofs on the roof . The night seemed to last forever but then again my mom was especially cruel and had us tucked away by 7 or 8 pm....so we had hours to suffer before our eyelids finally gave out. Hehehe, I hope my kids are experiencing the same exciting torture !
I want to send love and the warmest wishes to all the special people in my life ! This has been an incredible year , full of monumental changes , discoveries , emotions , confusion , heartache but also tremendous joy ! When I look back at one short year from this day , I do not even recognize the person I used to be . Despite all of the difficulties, I wouldn't change a thing if I had the choice. I like who I am, I love the people in my life and this year will always be one that I will look back on with fondness, because it was a turning point , a beginning in the discovery of myself and also a deeper understanding and compassion for others. ALL MY LOVE is sent to my friends this night, new and old, thank you for the gift of yourselves...

THIS BLOG is so like a mirror to my own heart it astounds me. These thoughts could be my own if only they could find a way to my fingers , out of the confusion of my own mind. When I read this woman's blog , I am reading my soul. It scares me, it exhilarates me. Who are you?????

Yes...." the timing WAS perfect "...." Everything happens for a reason ".....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!

HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLOAN - Everything You've Done Wrong

Do your time to pay the price
For everything you've done wrong baby
In your life you get so high
There's no where left to go but down

And don't believe
That no one cares
Cuz we're here waiting for you baby
Do your time , then come home for good

So don't hide yourself away
Let it shine, Let it shine
Don't hide yourself away
Let it shine

If you ever feel in doubt
You have a place in my heart baby
If I ever feel left out
I know I've got a place in yours

Don't believe that I wouldn't dare
To go and take you right back baby
Do your time
And then come home for good

So don't hide yourself away
Let it shine, Let it shine
Don't hide yourself away
Let it shine

Do your time to pay the price
For everything you've done wrong baby
In your life you get so high
There's no where left to go but down

Don't believe that no one cares
Cuz we're here waiting for you baby
Do your time
Then come home for good

Do your time
Then come home for good...

BUTTERSCOTCH !!! I hate that flavour but I love it when my hair is that colour ! Mmmmmmmmmmm it looks yummy if I do say so myself ! Sorry Pidge , I was going to go for the blue but I chickened out and butterscotch really makes me feel soooooooo purty , hehehe !

Everyone in The Great White North is talking about the snow today so .... I won't .

We bought a beautiful angel for our tree today. It has fibre optic wings and changes colour , it looks very magical and makes me all warm and toasty inside just looking at it. Our tree is finally all decorated and it is so big and FAT , I love fat trees. There is room to sleep under it if I were so inclined but I am feeling very grown up lately so...I won't.

My youngest son has the really embarrassing habit lately of yelling out " I FARTED ! " whenever we are out in public. Then breaking into hysterical giggles. I lean over and say " Shhhhhhhhh !!! Don't say that, say Excuse me." So he says " okay ", then proceeds to yell " EXCUSE ME ... I FARTED ! " Then he pipes in with " What's that smell? " . If he were old enough I could walk away and pretend to wonder who such an rude child might belong to but I have to hold on to his hand and grit my teeth and smile and blame it on his father. I guess it doesn't help that he is so darn cute when he says this and I can't help but laugh .

I miss my Racey so much !!!! I know that in January things will be back to their dull routine and we will be going out for our weekly "coffee" trips again ! She is my same gender soulmate , hehehe !